Monday, September 29, 2008

Top 5 Things I Hate (and Love) About You

ANTO COMETA

5. You’re not sweet and appreciative. Every time I give you something it is as if you would say “I could also buy that”, and you wouldn’t even say thank you, which made me think that you wouldn’t need those that I would be giving you. So, I don’t have to give you anything.

4. You always ask me if I really love you. It pisses me off because it is as if I don’t. What do you want me to do just to make you realize that I really do? But at least I wouldn’t have to think of any other answer bundled with a justification. I’ll just say yes and we’ll cuddle.

3. You’re skeptic and paranoid most of the time particularly with what I do when we are not together. If I’ll put in Rene Descartes’ philosophical context, you’re in search of the truth. Although I know that you’re just negative about everything. At any rate, I love Descartes, one of my favorite thinkers back in my undergraduate years - Cogito, ergo sum.

2. We always argue even with the littlest thing. I could just take no notice of it so not to make things worse but it stimulates me, I have to win over the argument, it reminds me when I was part of the debate society.

1. If you’re jealous, you’re attentive with what I have to say and most of the time you would just stare at me. In those cases your eyes and head are just fixed and focused at me and not performing the exorcist thing. Made me feel so secured – the only apple of your eyes.

Nice Words to Hear

ANTO COMETA

Kahit habang buhay maghihintay ako sa ‘yo.
Asahan mong hindi magpapalit itong damdamin ko.

- Early 90’s Singing Group

Just a wishful thought which has no element of rationality. In your case just, pure words that has no sincerity. We don’t have reasons to believe each other. We have trust issues.

But you have more than I do.

Let’s talk after we have resolved those issues within ourselves. Maybe it would workout by then, maybe.

Unusually Familiar and Disturbing

ANTO COMETA

Last Saturday was a deviation from my usual after-class routine. Lanie was not feeling well so she decided to go home instead of staying and doing what we had been doing for the past couple of months, our Havana Fun – singing at a KTV establishment along Visayas Avenue and drinking while injecting some labor, society-related and personal stuff (usually gossips) as part of the conversation while Jef is sleeping. I was banking on luck that Lanie would change her mind. I asked her for one last time if she could. Unfortunately, she said she really can’t so we decided not to have our Havana Fun that night and just have our dinner.

After we had our dinner at Grill Queen along Maginhawa St. in Teachers’ Village people decided to split and have their own individual fun particularly the council’s chairperson (Mcrhon joke lang). Jab was oddly happy that night – no wonder Mcrhon uttered nadiligan ka yata kagabi kaya masaya ka noh? Jab was asking where to get a ride going home since she’s not familiar with the general area, although it’s quite weird since she’s been residing near the area for several years. Mcrhon and Jab decided to take the Philcoa route.

A week before that was quite taxing for me. The symposium I organized together with Atty Bitonio (former Usec of DOLE and Chair of NLRC) which took months was finally carried out. I’m thankful to the rest of the council for helping me on that activity although I have my share of gripe before and after its implementation because of several concerns which were not properly addressed. Nonetheless, I’m grateful that it has already ended (for those who would want to grab copies of the materials used by the speakers visit the UP SOLAIR Student Council site – www.upsolairsc.wordpress.com). I was hoping that I could "de-stress” that night but to no avail.

We went to the bus station in Cubao to drop Lanie. After we dropped her off at the terminal we went to Treehouse to meet Eumel. We have to meet him since we already talked about it that afternoon and that he said that he’ll be joining us after his class but unfortunately things didn’t go as it was suppose to be. He was not informed when people decided not to have our Saturday session, I totally forgot about it, so to be well-mannered enough I decided to meet him even if it’s just the three of us. I had my favorite “detoxi-flying drink” of course, minimal amount such as a glass serves as detox (quite healthy), more than that makes me high (very happy). Middle of the conversation, Eumel popped in a topic about break up. Of all topics that one could think of he really did inject something that I don’t like to hear, well, I guess just for that night. Actually it’s not about the break up of that couple, but he has already shared one last week. The first one he shared was so depressing and the primary reason I don’t want to hear it was because I want to remove the stress that I have accumulated over the week and a post-celebration of the symposium and not to distress myself just by listening.

Those stories he shared were quite familiar, but the unusual thing was he was so affected about those break ups to the extent that if ever he’ll see the person who wronged the aggrieved party he’ll slap and torture that individual. A considerable level of sympathy (or empathy which ever is the case) is understandable but this one is beyond the mark. At that point I was quite alarmed and troubled, not with the break up stories but with Eumel. After finishing our “healthy and wholesome” drinks we parted ways. It was a night for me… a disturbed night.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Disappointment

ANTO COMETA

It’s getting worse by the day.

You don’t have to yell. It wouldn’t help at all. I wouldn’t listen, because that’s not the way to convince me.

There are a lot of things I hate about you. You even justified those as who you are. Part of your being that you cannot live without. I cannot change those; you’ve been living with those your whole life, quite the unusual, far from my standards.

I subdued myself for this to work. I tried, I tried hard. You might have noticed that. I sacrificed, you did too. But what’s happening right now is very much troubling and we both know that.

I just try to entertain myself with things that are superficial so not to dwell on those aching feelings that I have.

I’m not trying to be righteous, nor try to persuade you that my points are far more superior to yours. There were, there are and would be sentiments and views that may be wrong, no doubt. I’m not even trying to defend my side. I’m just explaining my actions. I just want you to know where my frustrations are coming from, frustrations you consider petty.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Lifeless

ANTO COMETA

Just a couple of bottles to remove the inhibitions and to start the release of the angst …

Didn’t you notice for sometime now that the things that we’ve been doing are things that do not stir the commitment we have given to each other? The way I look at it, the way I feel it, it’s becoming a motionless relationship, the type that nears stagnation which would eventually be inert. I just don’t feel you anymore.

Are we drawn to actions that are routinary, those that are performed because we have been accustomed to? Those things which are done because they are deemed as basic requirements for this relationship to go on, without those, this commitment of ours would not be different from the others that I have – with my family, with my friends. If those things were removed, I don’t think that this relationship would be even called as the way it is defined.

Perhaps the ways that we look at a lot of things are very different. Obviously, those are. I’m trying to understand, I try to compromise, settle with what you give, settle with what you do. But give me something to believe, something concrete to hold on to because I’m on the brink of loosing my grip.

Am I asking too much?